Thursday, March 23, 2006

The Marvelous Mad Mister Dean

I thought I'd fill you in with the latest from the Democrat party, since none of you are likely on the mailing list.

Dear Matthew,

Never before has our party been more organized in advance of an election. With new staff hitting the ground everywhere from Alaska to Arkansas, we are going to fight for every vote in every corner of every state in 2006.
Of course, trying to make liberals of non-liberals is kind of irking your party and draining your coffers. I guess if you call frittering away millions of dollars in donations and having absolutely no message beside "We hate Bush" organization, the Republicans won't have much trouble in November. -Robo

Right now we're preparing for the next big step in our ("your" - Robo) 50-state strategy. On April 29th, thousands of volunteers will recruit hundreds of thousands (give or take -Robo) more Americans committed to changing the status quo this year.

We're going to do it by making personal contact with our neighbors. April 29th will be the Democratic Party's first-ever National Neighbor-to-Neighbor Organizing Day. We're going to test our organization and build new relationships among volunteers with door-knocking events in communities across America.
"Hello, sir or ma'am! I'm a raving moonbat. Did you know Republicans put puppies in blenders? I read it somewhere! Want to be friends?" -Robo

We estimate (They're very good at estimating. Just ask Ohio.) that we need to print 500,000 pieces of literature to cover these events. With the cost of printing, plus the cost of shipping, staff time and logistics to make these events happen, we need an investment of $107,000 by Monday (You could try a karaoke contest. Just trying to help.) in order to kick-start this program. (And you know that will be money well spent trying to get seals to vote in Alaska or zombies to vote in Washington. Good luck with that. -Robo)

Can you contribute something right now to help make this unprecedented program a reality? (What would you know about reality, Mr. Dean?) Click here to see the literature up close and make your donation:

All the signs point to this being a big election year for Democrats. (You know how losing elections excites them... -Robo) But if we want to win in November, we've got to fight now to reach every community and build a solid operation before Election Day. (But that organization you mentioned before... is that part of the solid operation? -Robo)

Volunteers knocking on doors on April 29th will carry a simple piece of literature. It summarizes the Democratic vision (This can be done? I need to see this literature! -Robo) and offers an opportunity to make a connection and be a part of the movement for change.
Change to what? The first change to make would be to stop running against George Bush. The second would to actually figure out how to accomplish some of this "agenda" in a realistic way. Good luck with that. -Robo

Whether people receive the literature in person or on their doorknob, they will be able to plug into their local volunteer network, which will be crucial to building our organization now and turning out the vote in November. (Crap, this isn't a new Chinese restaurant menu! -Robo.)

On one day in April we can deliver a clear Democratic vision (I've been waiting for seven years. Some people have been waiting even longer. -Robo) and offer people an opportunity to help make it a reality. Will you donate to help pull it off?

Next week you'll learn more about how to make the national Neighbor-to-Neighbor Organizing Day a reality on the ground in your community.

Headquarters staff and state parties are working around the clock to provide staging areas in key neighborhoods (In Alaska and Arkansas? I'd believe New York and Los Angeles. -Robo) and the basic (They'd have to be... oh, that's mean spirited! Sorry! -Robo) training materials to make the canvass as effective as possible.

It's up to you to execute this ambitious and historic operation. (I can't take theis kind of pressure! -Robo)

It will only take 2,200 people donating $50 to fund this program. Please contribute whatever you can to help get this literature printed and distributed to the states:

Two-thirds of Americans reject this president and the Republican leadership (Yeah, if you believe everything you read in the newspaper. -Robo) -- and they are waiting to hear from us. (And waiting... and waiting... -Robo)

We have a big task (I'll say. -Robo) in November. We will only win if every one of (the Republicans loses?) us takes responsibility for the outcome of the election now -- while there is still time to build our operation. (Oh.) We are all members of one American community and it's up to us to make sure that our country has a government as good as its people.

Thank you for being a part of this unprecedented organizing drive. (Organization would be unprecedented. -Robo)

Governor Howard Dean, M.D.

To be fair, whoever writes Mr. Dean's emails doesn't sound half as crazy as Dean himself. Most of the emails I get from are begging for funds (most of RNC emails are, too) and the rest are in the vein of "OMGWTFBBQ! Chimpy McBushitler is a doodyhead!"

I don't know about you, but I'm feeling much more confident in to DNC's chances in November.


Blogger shoprat bloody well said...

Begging for money and disguising it as propoganda. What will they think of next?

23 March, 2006 21:15  
Blogger Robosquirrel bloody well said...

Or is it diseminating propaganda and disgusing it as begging for money?

But seriously, All political parties do the same thing. One could pick apart any of the numerous RNC emails I get if one so desired. I rarely read most of them any more, to tell you the truth.

23 March, 2006 21:18  
Blogger Crazy Politico bloody well said...

I wonder if they'll make sure it's on top of the 3 chinese restaurant, 1 dominoes, and 2 "Coupons" door hangers I get on weekends. Not that it matters, I chuck them all out anyway.

24 March, 2006 11:24  
Blogger Patrick Joubert Conlon bloody well said...

Thanks for the chuckle. That was better than the Sat am toons.

25 March, 2006 12:34  
Blogger Rebekah bloody well said...

LOL. Dean was probably on Lithium when he wrote that, and it still sounds crazy.

28 March, 2006 16:33  

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